Introduction. As Easy as Falling Off a Logarithm -- We Built This City on Landfill, Mud, and Shifting Sands. Rock'n'Roll Had Nothing to Do with It -- or, If You Can't Spell It, Don't Sell It -- My Parents Went to Woodstock and All I Inherited Was Their Lousy Record Collection -- or, Fear and Loathing in the Rock Hall of Fame -- First World Problems -- or, So You Think You Hate Old Music? -- The Top Ten Rock'n'Roll Anatidaephobiacs -- or, When Will the Cloud Start Shouting Back? -- How to Dismantle an Atomic Eff-Bomb -- or, The Rudest Words Are Rock'n'Roll -- Sdrawkcab Siht Etirw em Edam Lived Eht -- or, Satanic Messages in Reverse -- Ten Things You Didn't Know about Elvis Presley's Bottom -- or, The Greatest Albums Ever Listed -- The Five Funniest Jokes Jim Morrison Ever Told -- or, Quality versus Quantity -- We're Just Not That Into You, Boomer -- or, What Does This Button Do? -- The Undelete-Able File -- or, "Wow, I've Got Some Real Lame Shit on My iPod." "Oh, You, Too?" -- Butternut Canker Killed the Video Star -- or, Promoting the Pants off Garbage -- The Fifteen Filthiest Progressive Rock Beards -- or, Are Sales Really the Only Barometer You Respect? -- What Tomorrow's Pop Stars Looked Like Last Week (You'll Never Recognize Number Three) -- or, A Plague of Oldies -- Super-Harry-Outsells-Beatles, Though-He's-Quite-Atrocious -- or, Editorial Bias Not Included -- Meanwhile, on the Forums -- Lip-Synching, Libido-Quenching, Foul-Tasting, Debilitating, Buzz-Killing, Shit-Talking, Tired-of-Living, Sick-of-Giving, Fool-Appealing -- or, That Sinking Feeling -- Parturient Montes, Nascetur Ridiculus Mus -- or, A Sickness of Supergroups -- One More Time for the Fans -- or, Don't They Look Young for Their Age? -- Named and Shamed -- Ten Artists Who Claim They Do Remember the 1960s -- or, Oops, There Goes Another Vertebrae -- The Secret Life of Pants -- or, Reviving Vinyl for Fun Profit and Profit -- We'll Fix It in the Mix -- or Fifty Years Later -- Twenty Totally Tubular Hits of the 1980s -- or, The Wrong Box -- First Time Ever in Limited Edition "Distressed" (Scratchy Warped) Dirty Off-Black Vinyl -- or, In Praise of Rip-Off Store Day -- The Sound of Tomorrow's Yesterdays Today -- or, The Wonder of Eurovision -- In Which We Thank the Stars of the Past for Their Service... and Tell Them It's Time to Let Go -- Epilogue. Growing Convictions -- Appendix A. An Index of Wholly Imaginary Artists -- Appendix B. Twenty-First-Century Playlist.
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